Dads and Doughnuts

Subtitled: the post where I went to Awana.

Yes.  Awana.

Will comes home, like, 2 months ago, and tells me that there is going to be a night at his Awana class where all the dads come, and they have doughnuts.

It bears mentioning that this is a church where my ex-wife attended until very recently, and my kids have been involved in their Awana programs and music programs and soccer programs over the years.  That it’s 5 minutes (literally, 5 minutes) from my house.  And that I’ve been to it a handful of times for various events.  And, having grown up in church in Winter Haven, there are a number of folks there I’ve attended church with and shopped at Publix with and played softball against . . . So I’m not altogether unfamiliar with the facility or people.

So I tell Will “certainly, I’d love to come to Dads and doughnuts” and we forgot all about it.  Until last Wednesday.

I’m driving Will to school, and we pass the church, and he says “Daddy, guess what tonight is!!?!?!?”

So I put on my big girl pants, and show up to Dads and Doughnuts at 6:15.  The following is what ensued:

6:15 - Check-in to Will’s class.  Notice that it’s called “Dad’s and Doughnuts” . . . realize grammar is not a primary concern here.

6:16 - meet Will’s teacher; in my head, I nickname him “Capt. Awana.”  Walk into classroom.  Stopped by a very stern, bespectacled woman – she and Will exchange some sort of gibberish – Will gets handed 4 gold coins, which he walks across the room and drops into a green sand bucket.

6:17 - I sit down in one of the grownup sized chairs along the wall, directly behind Will.  We discuss Minecraft, his day at school, and the bookfair.  I am the only dad (out of 6 in the room) not on his iphone.  I give myself a gold coin, mentally.

6:30 - Still in the same seating arrangement.  More dads have arrived.  The room, which is the size of the smallest bedroom in your house, now has approximately 30 1st/2nd/3rd graders and probably 15 dads.  The noise level is somewhere between a rock concert and a 747 landing.

6:35 - First graders called out of the room.  Their dads follow them.

6:40 - Second graders out of the room.  I am excited, as the temperature in the room is roughly the same as the tarmac where a 747 would land.  In the summer.

6:41 - we’re in the room where the kids say their memory verse(s).  I find it strange that, despite having said “hello” to at least 4 different dads so far, none seem interested in engaging in any sort of conversation.  I feel like this is odd for at least 2 reasons – 1) because if this is an outreach sort of event, you know, to reach the parents of kids who come to Awana but aren’t engaged in the church, you would think I would’ve been a prime target; 2) maybe all the dads here are not engaged in this church, and their kids only come for the Awana program.

6:42 - Will is still talking to me . . . about everything he can think of, except Awana.  I keep asking questions, as I don’t have a schedule of events, I don’t see any signs, and the only evidence I can find that tonight is any different than any other night is the “Dad’s and Doughnuts” sign in sheet, and the 10 or so adults in the room not wearing Awana issued gear.

6:45 - Okay – I’ve seen at least 5 people who I know, and none has even so much as offered a “hello” – I walk up to one . . . I coached his daughter for 2 years in basketball, served on the PTA at the small private school where our kids went, and worked line duty there 10-12 weeks a year for 4 years.  Assuming nothing, I walk up and reintroduce myself, asking about his daughter, his sons, his wife . . . and he engages!!!!  We catch up for a few minutes, then he goes back to his group of 5 dads across the room at the cool kids table.  I walk back to Will.

6:47 - I ask Will if he should be studying a Bible verse to recite.  “No sir.”  Why not?  “Because I’m already done with those books.”  Um.  Okay.  So – do you graduate Awana then?  “No sir.  I have to do this. (shows me a list of the books of the Old Testament)”  Okay – do we need to study that then.  “No sir.  I’m not going to do it.”  Okay.  So this is kinda like a free time?

6:49 - I get the kid next to Will to take the purple crayon out of his mouth.  I mention that he probably shouldn’t eat that.  His dad almost glances up from his iPhone.

6:55 - line up – time for game time.  I silently pray that the Dads aren’t participants in game time.

7:00 - Prayer unanswered.  Well played, God.  We are ACTIVE participants in game time.

7:01 - I realize that gametime isn’t necessarily well thought out.  I realize this when I see that Will is competing against a 3rd grade girl who’s 5 feet tall, a kid who could play linebacker on a JV team, and a 1st grader sucking his thumb.  I wonder if I could start some side-action with some of the dad’s if they’d give me odds on linebacker kid.

7:02 - The girl won.  Linebacker kid slipped and finished second.  Will was a distant third.  Thumb sucking kid cried.

7:07 - Game number 2.  Dodge ball.  All the dads in the middle.  Capt. Awana counted to 30 seconds, then counted the number of dads left in the middle.  Then we switched, and the dads were outside, kids in the middle.  Dads won, 12 – 6.  Will and I both never got hit.  We also never were allowed to throw the ball.  Those tasks were handled by the cool-dads table.

7:15 - Game number 3.  Kids lead the dads around the circle.  Dads are blindfolded.  I wonder about the church’s insurance policy, since I feel certain this will end with a broken ankle.

7:18 - Cool kid and his dad run into Will and I.  I don’t fall, since I’ve got a foot and 80 lbs on cool dad.  He goes down like a sack of bricks.  My ankle is bleeding. It’s okay though, because they cheat at the end of the game to beat Will to the center.  Everyone cheers.  I don’t.

7:22 - I feel really sad for some of these kids, who don’t have dads, or their dads couldn’t make it tonight.  It’s okay, though, because cool dads step in, calling attention to the fact that they aren’t the kids’ dads, and there’s always hijinks, and those kids never win.

7:24 - this woman has walked by me no less than 4 times.  I know I know her from somewhere, but I can’t place it (and if you know me at all, that is quite the upset).  Finally, I figure it out – I stop her and say “Excuse me – are you Megan’s mom?” . . . and she smiles and says “hey Travis, how are you doing” . . . Now, I coached Megan in basketball for YEARS.  When she started, she shot underhand and couldn’t graze the bottom of the net.  She quit at least once a practice.  And by the last game of the year, she scored 12 points.  In that game.  Now, I hadn’t seen her in probably 6 years, but the fact that she’d walked by me 4 times, and knew my name, but I had to be the first to speak, well, it bugged me.

7:26 - but not as much as the guy I saw across the room . . . Charlie . . . he was in my small group for 5 years . . . I played softball with him, gave him rides places, was a job reference.  I made eye contact and he didn’t even wave.  So I marched over to him, said “hey Charlie, how’re you doing” and he was polite, and we talked, blahblahblah.  I give myself another gold coin.

7:28 - last game, thankfully . . . conga line race, around a circle.  My mind plays out how this is going to end with a kid getting trampled.  Sure enough, my giant feet step on the flip-flop of the dad in front of me.  He takes out 1/4 of our group, plus the tail end of the line next to us.  3 kids are crying.  I feel really bad, which, I think to myself, is exactly how you want a visitor to feel . . . cool dads all laugh – their team won the race.

7:32 - back into the sauna-room, aka the original classroom.  Capt. Awana teases us with the idea that the doughnuts will be awesome, and available, after our lesson.  He tells a funny story about how, when he went to buy the doughnuts this morning, he was not the only person wearing a “Sparky” shirt in the Dunkin Doughnuts, and that they sang the Sparky song together right there in the shop.  This leaves me with two thoughts:

  1. Lots of people who will never go on dates must eat at Dunkin’ Doughnuts
  2. That I’m ’bout to get doughnuts that have, at a minimum, been sitting around in this cat’s car for 10 hours.

7:34 - The pastor, yes, the actual pastor, yes the pastor of the church will be in momentarily to teach us about Daniel and the lion’s den.  I LOVE Daniel and the lion’s den.

7:35 - until I’m chosen to play a scheming enemy of Daniel.  I know this isn’t good, because I’m going to end up thrown into a lion’s den and actually eaten, and the lion’s are all being played by the cool dads . . . the pastor makes a big deal out of getting the crowd to “boo” us whenever we are mentioned in the story.  Yes – I got booed at Awana.  Repeatedly.  The other dad with me obviously never got to explore his theater major, because he’s in full on dancing and whooping mode, which causes me to stand out like a sore thumb.  Really enjoying this.  Deep breaths.  Doing this for Will.  I give myself 4 more gold coins.

7:55 - WTF – is it like 85 degrees in here?  Dude next to me smells like my gym socks from 8th grade, you know, before you realized girls would like you better if you didn’t smell, and you’d actually take them home occasionally to be washed.  He is sweating like he’s running a marathon.  In his defense, he is exerting a lot more effort into his role as a kings adviser than I am (which is to say, any effort at all).  I’m fairly certain that the actual king’s advisers, you know, the ones 5 thousand years ago, I’m fairly certain they put forth less effort than this cat.  If he’d been an actual king’s adviser, the whole Daniel story might’ve played out differently.

7:58 - mercifully, we’re thrown to the lions.  The lions, are, remember, the cool dads.  This is roughly exactly the same way I remember high school. I’m rooting for the lions at this point.

8:00 - Awards time – I silently cuss in my head . . . is this an overnight event?  How long are we going to be here?  And what about the doughnuts?  Am I going to hell for cussing in my head at Awana?

8:07 - “. . . and Charlie Drummond gets green jewel number 7 . . . wait, you already have green jewel number 7 . . . hmmmm, oh well, just see me next week and we’ll figure it out . . . ” Umm, how ’bout we just see you next week for the awards?

8:12 - “Joey Hill gets his skywriter’s badge . . . Joey?  Is Joey here? Where is Joey?”  I’m thinking Joey caught on to this con hours ago, bro – he saw that the doughnuts were just a bait and switch – he recited John 3:16 or something and cut and ran in time to get home and watch the Lakers game.

8:18 - “I want to thank you all for coming.  Please stop by the check in table at the back door and get yourself a doughnut on the way out.”

8:21 - Still standing in line.  Will is beaming.  He is so happy.  We each get our munchkin (“One per customer” according to the little old battleaxe lady guarding the boxes).

8:21:39 - WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!?!?!?!?!  ONE MUNCHKIN – I AM BLEEDING ON MY ANKLE FROM SOME MORON RUNNING INTO ME BECAUSE HE THINKS A BEANBAG RACE IS GAME 7!  I’VE HAD SALIVA ON MY HANDS THAT WASN’T MINE BECAUSE LITTLE JOHNNY CAN’T KEEP THE CRAYONS OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  I NEARLY KILLED “FATHER OF THE YEAR” AND THREE OF HIS OFFSPRING IN THE CONGA LINE RACE.  I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE GOLD COINS DO!  I’VE BEEN IGNORED, EMBARRASSED, BEATEN UP, TRIPPED, BOOED (BOOED!?!?!), AND FED TO LIONS AND YOU’RE GIVING ME ONE DAMN MUNCHKIN?!?!?!?!?!

8:24 - Exit the building . . . Will’s mom is there to pick him up.  “How was it?” she asks.  I get a bit misty eyed, as my boy, a chip off the old block, says to her “Great.  Only they only gave us one munchkin each.  That kinda stinks.  And I didn’t boo my daddy. But me and Daddy had fun anyway.”

Yes we did, Will.  Yes we did.

2 thoughts on “Dads and Doughnuts

  1. Rachel

    For the record, I’m picturing your gold coins appearing out of nowhere like Gold Doubloons on Jake and the Neverland Pirates. And this story is priceless.

    Reply
  2. Ben

    Being an Awana kid growing up I don’t think I stopped laughing the entire time reading this. I say you deserve 100 gold coins for surviving that. At the time the program I did was attempting to be a lame version of boy scouts with neckerchiefs and all. We had “Shares” which were Awana dollar bills printed on plain paper. I went home and ran them through my dad’s copier making counterfeit Shares. For some reason I got questioned when I showed up to the Awana store with a stack and pretty much never recited any verses or completed a single book in four years. I think I got some lesson about the whole fake money thing and all my legitimate money was confiscated.

    Reply

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