“Babe – we could leave at 6 am Saturday morning; we’ll be home by 3, 3:30. All it’ll cost is gas to and from the boat ramp . . . maybe $40, and that’s high . . . ”
What follows is a map to get you to the point where your Saturday adventures really only cost you $40. Think of this as a helpful guide. Please note that numbers are approximate, to be used only for reference . . .
To go fishing, you really need a boat. Not just any boat, either mind you. I mean, you only get to go so often, so, when you do, it makes sense for it to be on a vessel that you enjoy. Think names like Maverick/Hell’s Bay/Pathfinder. Let’s say you can find a really nice one, used, for $20k
Now – no self respecting angler is going to roll out his new boat with a bunch of pickle poles from the bargain bin at K-mart, am I right? No sir – you’ll need the latest Shimano creation with 84 ball bearings and liquid filled nitrogen drag washers. Of course, it’ll need to be spooled with a space age polymer line that is used to hold the doors closed on the shuttle, and mounted on a rod made with a special carbonite/kryptonite/kevlar blend, and invisible guides. This combo will run you about $500.
But wait – you can’t just have one combo – what if some googan fishing partner steps on it or drops it overboard. Safest bet is to have 3 or 4, exactly the same, just in case. Plus, that allows you to have them rigged differently – top water, live bait, soft plastic . . . your arsenal is ready . . . $1500 (call it 2k, and add in the original combo, too)
Wait a second – you only get to fish, maybe, what, two weekends a month? What if a tarpon crashes the party? Are you supposed to miss out on the fish of a lifetime because you limited your combos to only those targeting inshore species? That, boys, is what we’ll call a “rookie move” – go ahead and get a couple of combos, both larger and smaller than the ones above. Keep them top of the line, though. $2k
What are you going to catch these fish with? Mirrolures? Zara Spooks? Live Targets? Gulps? Honestly, you need 10-12 of everything – hard baits, topwaters, divers, soft baits, suspenders, plastic shrimp, plastic fish, plastic eels, plastic crabs, plastic octopi – plus, and this is key, you need at least a duplicate of every one. Lord knows that if a snook breaks off your only bone colored spook, you can’t very well leave the water and go buy another one. Gotta have a spare. $500
Plus you need a tackle bag to keep these things in – $100
I shudder a little, when I think what happens when that tarpon leaps, you fight him for 20 minutes or so, then he throws the hook. You were going to release him anyway, but you didn’t get the picture. Enter the GoPro, complete with all the mounts. That’s an easy $750. You should also look into a drone, because those pictures will definitely trump your buddy’s. $3k
Also, you should get a water proof submersible case for your phone. $80
Have any of you thought “but wait – fishing isn’t fishing without beer?” Not to worry – pick up a Yeti (must be tan) – Yeti’s are space age engineered bear proof roto-moulded boxes of magic that will keep a 6 pack of Ultra cold for up to 7 years without any ice. $300 +$30 for beer
Throw a few sandwiches in the Yeti ($30) and you’re good to go for the day. But what if the fishing is really hard. Sometimes, it’s best to get off the water for a little while, regroup, strategize, and figure out the rest of the day. This should be done in a dive bar/restaurant over a frosty beverage and grouper sandwich. Also a slice of Key Lime Pie. You can do the same thing if you’re slaying the fish, as a celebration of your awesomeness. $50
Push Pole – $400. Power Poles (dual – duh) – $2500. Remote controlled trolling motor with GPS and Xbox attachment – $1500. New batteries that weigh less than a ham sandwich – $800. Fly rods – $75,000*. Fish finder (even though you’re in 5 inches of water) – $800. GPS (even though you can see the Skyway bridge) – $800. Non ethanol fuel for the boat – $160. Bait (not that you’d ever use bait, but just in case) $40.
*Attention wives – most fly rods didn’t actually cost $75k – nope – I bought all of mine at a garage sale to benefit homeless puppies. I think I got them out the door for $40 bucks or so. Amazing deal, right?
Which leaves us, I think, with the tow vehicle. Lord knows you can’t roll up to the ramp with this rig behind the Windstar – you need a man’s truck. Preferably one with mud tires and black rims. Nothing too egregious, we’ll keep it under – $40k.
Hmmmm . . . $40k plus $40 plus $160 plus $800 plus $800 plus $75k . . . let’s see, carry the 2, carry the 3 . . .
So, since all the above money is accounted for, all the trip really costs is $40 or so.
Make sure to tune in soon – we’ll teach you how to duck hunt 3 times a week, all season, for a grand total of $75.00, including ammo and decoys.